Living with Fear

Fear is something each of us with. Each fear is unique to each person. She has a fear of dogs, he has a fear of failure and yet another has a fear of success. The spectrum falls from fear of things, people, places or events. The intensity varies as well. It goes all the way from creating a feeling of mild caution to full blown panic attacks. And yet we all still manage to live, breath and make it through each day.

What's my fear? Right now it is falling asleep when I'm alone in my house. I tell myself that it is an irrational fear, but is it? I can usually put it aside, because I live with three other people in the house. However, on those rare occasion when I am alone, it is sitting there waiting, like the uninvited guest who refuses to leave the party.

I have used herbal teas, herbal medicne, chinese medicne and even sleeping pills in an effort to be able to rest easy. Nothing worked. It would get worse with each time as my anxiety and dread with each experience. I knew I was making it harder on myself, but couldn't stop myself. So I knew I needed to look for the answers in my head.

In the last few years I have been studying my mind. How it works, what it wants and how it goes about getting it. I have come to realize that my mind is a separate being from me. No, I don't have split personalities, but I can see that there are two distinct parts of me. There is the spiritual side, which can feel the interconnectedness of all things. Then there is the mental me, the part that believes it is separate, different and not at all a part of the whole design of life. I've come to learn that this is the ego.

The ego is not truly the mind, it is something else altogether. It is not the intelligence. It is not creativity. It is not even completely necessary. (at least not in my opinion.) It is separate from our survival instinct, yet it taps into it to get what it needs.

So if it is none of those things, what is it? It is the voice in the head. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that likes to make a commentary on all of your life. The one that says things like: "Why did I do that! I'm so stupid!" or "Why did she say that? What did she mean?"
It is the story maker. It keeps the notion alive inside that you are separate from everything else.

What is the reason for this separation? Is it to learn? to grow? Is it needed for survival? Survival, an interesting concept when it comes to the ego vs. spirit. It sometimes appears as a war where only one can survive, but since when has war really solved anything? So if I don't go to war against my ego, how can I break it's hold over me?

Presence is what will break it's hold. What is that? It is where you're attention is placed on what is going on right now. Not what happened in the past, or some mythical place in the future, but where you are right now. The task you are completing at this moment. However, it is also the alert presence to all around you as well. It is feeling the connection to all of life.

So when it came to my fear, I asked myself "How can presence help me gain control of my fear?" The concept is very simple, but the practice took some time.

Just a few weeks ago I found myself once again alone in the house. I had been practicing presence on a pretty consistent basis and was excited to find out if it would help with my fear. So there I was, alone in the house. I had checked every room to make sure I didn't have any uninvited visitors. After all, I'm practicing presence, not dismissing the practicalities of being alone. In making sure there was nothing to be afraid of, I was honoring my instincts.

I knew I didn't just want to dismiss my fear. After all, we have it for a reason. However, I wanted to dissolve my irrational fears. The irrational fear is when there is no danger present and our mind is filled with either a past injury, or fear of a future one. Either way, our fight or flight response has kicked in and our body is filled with chemicals that speed up our heart rate and get us ready to either fight for our life, or flee to safety.

So when the fear came in, I did a reality check. Am I in danger? Now is when I need to be completely honest. I didn't want to rationalize, quickly try to dismiss the feeling or beat myself up for feeling it. I looked around to see if I was in immediate danger. Not finding anything threatening, I focused on the sensations running through my body and allowed it to wash over me. It was intense. It was overwhelming, but in the light of presence was over with very quickly. In the aftermath I once again checked in with myself to see if I was okay. I was fine.

This happend a couple of times throughout the evening, each time getting shorter and shorter. Finally by the time I was to go to bed I was feeling peacful and calm. I even slept throughout the night with no night terrors to interupt my sleep. Incredible.

Am I cured? No. There was nothing to cure. There was only the present moment to be dealt with. I don't need to think about it worry that it will come up again, because the chances are good it will. However in light of being able to deal effectivily with it in the past gives me the courage to face it again in the future. I don't need to worry or put anymore attention to it at all. Now I can spend that time I spent worrying about it on something more important. Like how to bring about world peace. LOL